Rylyn Dream
So a few night ago, I had this dream. Mom, Dad and I were in Grandma Wales house on Oregon street. Brittney and Dani were sitting in the front room chatting, while we sat and talked to Rylyn in the piano room. She was only about 3 or so, completely unaware of who we were to her, but adorable nonetheless. Brittney obviously wasn’t thrilled about the meeting, but was putting up with it. Dani would keep steering her eyes away from us, and engaged in a conversation. Its kind of how I imagined our first visitation meeting with Rylyn would be. I don’t know why it was staged where it was though. And though it wasn’t an ideal first visit, it was probably closer to reality than any “perfect” dream I could come up with. It was real enough to me, that I drove from Holly and Ken’s (I was there over V-day weekend) to the cemetery to tell Tim about it. I also wrote Tim a little note in the snow – “<3 U L Brother” – I know he’ll know what it means. I also asked Tim, if he could, to maybe help Brittney along a little bit. Sometimes its just so much easier to “forget” about Rylyn, or rather, forget her absence in our lives. Having her as a part of our lives with somewhat help to fill the hole left by Tim, but having her so close but untouchable… well, it makes that hole worse somehow.
Yesterday’s Melancholy (and Mom’s)
Yesterday was my first full day back in Madison. I’ve been looking forward to getting “back to my new normal” for a few days, so maybe that was the problem. The day started out well, full of energy, working out, eating right. But the late afternoon, I had no energy, a headache, and was just a little sad – melancholy I suppose. Come to find out, so did Mom – worse in fact. She spent quite a bit of the day crying and wishing for Tim. Funny how that works out sometimes I guess. I’ve been surrounded by people, or at least not alone, since the beginning of February. I really didn’t notice how alone I tend to be at home, until now. Its always been normal for me. So, I think I’m going to have to work at getting out of here, in a way that doesn’t require me to spend a lot of money, just to get out. I’m thinking coffee shop. Otherwise I procrastinate on work, doing other things, which leads me to…
Today – Productive procrastination, or not?
Am I subconsciously eluding getting back to work? What is wrong with me? These people pay my bills (well, some of them anyway, that’s a whole other story…). I think I’ve hit a funk in my work, and there’s really no reason for it. I was doing pretty well with it all before I left for IL. I think I need to relax on the CAD and 3D rendering for a little while, perhaps focus on the green office supplies and the jobs/industry database. It really does seem to take a couple days to get back in to some kind of groove.
Dinner w/ Maggie
We went to Bunky’s Café on Atwood. I was looking for a good GF/DF restaurant, and I’d always wanted to try Bunky’s. So… it was really really really good! I love all the options. I had a GF pesto pizza with soy cheese. Delicious! But I digress (always about the food). It was really great to see Maggie. I really can’t remember the last time I saw her, in person. We’ve chatted on the phone, or texted, but in person? Perhaps a year, maybe more. Same old Maggie. We chatted till about 8pm, enjoyed dinner, talked about all sorts of things. But I just find myself trying not to talk about me. What’s the deal with that? I have been working on that, have reciprocal conversations, where the other individual can freely ask, and yet I keep asking questions. Erg. But she was also all-too willing to share. And why did I ask about Andrea? She knows how I feel about her? And then to find out absolutely NOTHING has changed in Andrea’s life. It would be difficult for me to drive over two hours to a friend’s house, just to see how awful they are doing, and then be able to do nothing about it. But, again, Andrea made her bed… I enjoyed hearing from Maggie, but it wasn’t a terribly deep conversation. I just don’t feel like I can open up with her yet. I don’t have that same comfort I have with Rose, Christine, or Holly (or of course Nev and Waggs). I can’t explain it. Maybe it’ll take time, I dunno. Or maybe we are just different people. Regardless, it was really great to see her. I really hope things work out for her to come back to where she’s comfortable. I was so happy for her to get to Louisville for her to get a fresh start, but she keeps getting pulled back to Chicago for some reason. Can’t argue with that I suppose.
Alright, now that Bella is comfortable wedged behind the laptop and Frankie is fast asleep… time to rock their worlds and head to the other room… hahahaha. Glad Bella is getting more social though. I hope it gets better from here. She needs to stand up to Frankie, and be less sensitive about things. They are both so happy to be back – so much more at ease.
Hopefully tonight will be more restful than last. Just so so so much on my mind last night. The money thing really has me unhappy. But I will get through this – I always do. I did really great today on my diet, drank lots of water, worked out for 40 minutes, and did my blog (and even a little work, lol).
Tomorrow… work work work. Perhaps at Ground Zero? We shall see.
Signing off.
